I find that I am a phoenix. I always have been. Tragedy moves me to be better. I change with every new trauma. I'm constantly rebirthing into new colors and shapes. It may not be dramatic, but it's movement. I learn more about myself with each passing wind.

This was a big one, though. It was hard for the people around me, yes, but it was life changing for me. It changed the way I perceive. It changed the way I relate. It changed my direction in life. I needed a bump. I needed a swift kick in the ass. I needed it desperately.

A short list of things that were addressed:

The one that really interests me the most right now is the first. Integration. The thought that different aspects of my life need to be held in different places is false. There's a certain amount of tweaking that needs to be done in different situations. Naturally. I mean, I have to be more conservative at work than I am in the rest of my life. We have to play rolls sometimes.

I made a vital mistake in assuming one thing. I assumed that E wanted only one side of me. I shut down all these other beautiful things to nourish that side. As a result, the other sides festered. The other sides became hidden and scary.Those sides started pouring into other avenues. Those sides pushed me away.

Let's face it. There is a side of me that is magic and abstract and in touch with cycles and metaphors and filled with poetry and healing. And there is a side that is simple and careless and light and childish. And a side that is motivated and womanly and powerful and sexual. There are all these thing about me. More than that, even. But I focused on the last two with E, and I left the first part in the dust.

I have to embrace all of it. I can't love fragments of myself. I am all of these things. I am more. I have to learn to integrate them. I can't be afraid to hide myself. I am just now learning how to be everything I am with E. I am getting past the fear of myself with him. He loves all of me.

But I'm back. I'm back to caring for myself. I'm reading poetry like it's water in a desert. I'm doing yoga. I'm looking at myself as whole individual. I find so much joy in love, but I contained it to one side of me. But this is not a story of a love affair with another person. This is a story of a love affair with myself. E taught me how to love. I didn't know how to before him. Love was a honeymoon before. I fell briefly in and out of it like the passion was all that mattered. But love takes planning. Love is a long process with bumps and cuts and bruises. Love is organic. Love changes. Love adapts.

I am rising like a phoenix.


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