I think this has been on my mind ever since I turned 30. Who am I? What have I become?

There are a few mish-mosh ideas and thoughts that go with this.

I have many talents. I can do many things adequately. The things that I haven't tried, I intuit the experience and feel that I could accomplish it. This leads me to being interested in lots of things and only half trying many of them. I need to stop mentally living the things I want to do. The reality of it is that I am NOT talented in everything I try. I am talented in some of the things I try. I need to explore and deepen those aspects rather than try to constantly branch myself out until I am transparent. I'm not saying that I should stop growing in new directions. I am just saying that I need to form a few commitments to my talents.

The result of this spreading has been a fragmented growth. I have become who I am due to circumstance rather than working toward a goal. I need to do some serious contemplation on the goals I want to accomplish and who I want to become. What traits do I want to cultivate? What are my weaknesses that I can accept and love? This isn't about a career choice or a physical move. This is about being the person I'd like to be. I have a need to maintain both my lightness and darkness. I'm in total support of kindness and spirituality and gentleness and understanding, but I don't want to fall into that hokey (even sincerely hokey) state of mind. I have a darkness in me. I have some sharp edges as well as curves.

I have been meditating and thinking about chakras a lot. It seems that each time I spend energy working on one, another one gets out of whack. Do I accept the weakness or do I try to find a balance in all of them? I'm inclined to think that balance isn't necessarily the goal. We each have our own personal imprints on the world. We are organic and unique. As long as there is an energy cycle in place, the weakness only impairs you if you feel that it does. In that case, you simply change. I think there is a gradual shifting that constantly occurs. Up and down. Spiraling forward. We grow strong where we need to and when we need to. The same goes for weaknesses. I believe S's idea of the egg has a lot of merit.

Navel gazing, indeed.

It's very hard for me to related to others. I haven't watched tv in 7 years. This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it really does inhibit conversation. I don't get references. I walk around feeling like I'm completely out of the loop. Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to be in that loop. I'm comfortable reading Hesse and Alice Walker and Chopra (Buddha is a great book so far). To top it off, I don't listen to the music that other people listen to, and I don't read what other people read. I can talk your ear off about a lot of things. I am actively trying to improve my listening skills, too. I was listening to a meditation on tape while driving the other day, and it talked about a concept that Hesse touched on in Siddhartha. People have to cultivate the ability to listen with empathy without trying to advise. It's more difficult than it sounds.

I'm talking in circles. I've been sick for the past 4 days. This is making me feel disjointed. I need a nap and a snuggle buddy. E's been away for almost two weeks now. Unhappy bunny.

I think today is a good day to spend lunch by the river meditating again. Hopefully I won't fall asleep and roll in. *snort*

Tangent Queen


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