My life has been flowing. Things are always changing, naturally. I've been working the Sun Salutations. I have had the honor of meeting new people. I have been on the move. I am a drop rolling back to the river, looking seaward. Or skyward. 'Round and 'round.

And the art. Man! It's rich right now. It's fucking gorgeous. It's everywhere. I am so inspired that I am ringing in this high frequency. There's so much screeching to get out. I'm just a half note below high C. The tension of glass about to break. I'm being flooded with images. They aren't just images of things I want to do, but also images of how they will be done. I need to get my basement together. I need to throw away all that shit so I can put up the photo studio down there. Besides, it would be amazing to take some shots of the creepy places in my 100 year old basement.

I've been rooting down with the same breath. I have been soaking in reds and laaaaaam-in' it up during meditations. Muladhara, baby.

It's very much a yin and yang thing.

I'm excited about life. Things are coming together in unexpected ways. Everything is amazing. Perfect. There is no such thing as wrong. It's right, right, right. All discomfort is fear. The more you resist and cover, the more fear you feel. Peel back the layers and open up.

I want to donate my time. I need to do that.

I went and saw the butterfly exhibit at Brookfield Zoo this weekend. It blew me away. I nearly cried from the beauty of it. I want to sneak in late at night and sleep there. To awaken covered in them would be some kind of otherworldly bliss. I also went by Art In Your Eye in downtown Batavia. Ani made a copper leaf for Joseph Gagnepain's most awesome CommuniTREE. Was inspired repeatedly. Resonate.

Burning Man is in 21 days. Unfuckingbelievable.
I think this has been on my mind ever since I turned 30. Who am I? What have I become?

There are a few mish-mosh ideas and thoughts that go with this.

I have many talents. I can do many things adequately. The things that I haven't tried, I intuit the experience and feel that I could accomplish it. This leads me to being interested in lots of things and only half trying many of them. I need to stop mentally living the things I want to do. The reality of it is that I am NOT talented in everything I try. I am talented in some of the things I try. I need to explore and deepen those aspects rather than try to constantly branch myself out until I am transparent. I'm not saying that I should stop growing in new directions. I am just saying that I need to form a few commitments to my talents.

The result of this spreading has been a fragmented growth. I have become who I am due to circumstance rather than working toward a goal. I need to do some serious contemplation on the goals I want to accomplish and who I want to become. What traits do I want to cultivate? What are my weaknesses that I can accept and love? This isn't about a career choice or a physical move. This is about being the person I'd like to be. I have a need to maintain both my lightness and darkness. I'm in total support of kindness and spirituality and gentleness and understanding, but I don't want to fall into that hokey (even sincerely hokey) state of mind. I have a darkness in me. I have some sharp edges as well as curves.

I have been meditating and thinking about chakras a lot. It seems that each time I spend energy working on one, another one gets out of whack. Do I accept the weakness or do I try to find a balance in all of them? I'm inclined to think that balance isn't necessarily the goal. We each have our own personal imprints on the world. We are organic and unique. As long as there is an energy cycle in place, the weakness only impairs you if you feel that it does. In that case, you simply change. I think there is a gradual shifting that constantly occurs. Up and down. Spiraling forward. We grow strong where we need to and when we need to. The same goes for weaknesses. I believe S's idea of the egg has a lot of merit.

Navel gazing, indeed.

It's very hard for me to related to others. I haven't watched tv in 7 years. This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it really does inhibit conversation. I don't get references. I walk around feeling like I'm completely out of the loop. Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to be in that loop. I'm comfortable reading Hesse and Alice Walker and Chopra (Buddha is a great book so far). To top it off, I don't listen to the music that other people listen to, and I don't read what other people read. I can talk your ear off about a lot of things. I am actively trying to improve my listening skills, too. I was listening to a meditation on tape while driving the other day, and it talked about a concept that Hesse touched on in Siddhartha. People have to cultivate the ability to listen with empathy without trying to advise. It's more difficult than it sounds.

I'm talking in circles. I've been sick for the past 4 days. This is making me feel disjointed. I need a nap and a snuggle buddy. E's been away for almost two weeks now. Unhappy bunny.

I think today is a good day to spend lunch by the river meditating again. Hopefully I won't fall asleep and roll in. *snort*

Tangent Queen
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jul. 20th, 2009 10:28 pm)
I haven't written here or anywhere else in quite some time. Two weeks or more. That's unusual for me.

What have I been up to? Focusing. I have been focused on myself and my daughter. I have been working through my body in a very physical way. I have been doing yoga a lot. I have been working out. I have been going through some tribulations with my diabetes, having changed medicine. I am honing in on the correct dosage after a week and a half of ups and downs. So much on my mind. Burning Man is coming upon me very quickly, too. There's a lot I need to do! Fortunately, it's mainly costume related.

I've been thinking a lot about my personal energy lately. I've become very aware of the energy I've been putting out, and I have been taking note of the energy that I am taking in from others, as well. I tend to suck up a lot from other people. Then I come back to center, and I have found this person that I am nervous about.

I was a strong and centered person years ago. I was aware of my space. I was connected. I was breathing through my troubles. I was tuned in. I was learning and curious. I felt calm and easy.

Then life took over. I went through some rough patches. I had my beautiful daughter. I became responsible for things that I never dreamed of before. I didn't have that carefree side any longer. I had to succeed at holding my head (and the head of my child) above water. If you haven't gone through this, there is no way to comprehend it. It's easier to do this with someone, but it becomes much more stressful alone.

Now I'm finally back in a place where I can work on me. I have become fairly secure in the bottom three rungs of Maslow's hierarchy: physiological, safety and security, love and belonging, and now I can start working more steadily on the top two, esteem and self actualization.

So now I am in the process of learning myself again. It's slow and steady. Deconstructing and reconstructing. I meditate. I listen to my mind and body. I observe my space and my reaction to it. I am constantly centering myself. I am coming from a place of love for me. I have had to try to make decisions based on what I believe will be best for my daughter and myself. This is all encompassing. It's mental and physical and spiritual and financial.

I believe we all cycle through waves. Our mind turns our experiences into something linear (like a sound wave), but we really are just living through continuous circles. We go up and down. Our shape changes, but the circles stay the same. Our priorities shift. We grow and shrink, as does the circle. We are organic. My wave has taken me to a beautiful place where I have some semblance of clarity again. It's growing, and I am incorporating everything I've learned throughout the years to make myself into something new. I'm not going backward into something I was before. I am moving forward into a new me.

I am slowly shifting into a more stable, healthy, successful and spiritual person. I am constantly in the process of growing. Instead of growing to get from one place to another, as I have in the past, I am now growing in spirals upward. I've circled my foundation enough. It's built. Now I am explanding. I am doing this with the love and support of someone I adore. I am doing this next to my daughter, who sees me as I stretch and pray and love and move.

I am strong. I can do this. I have faith in the universe. We are all mystics.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jul. 8th, 2009 11:39 am)
For years I was taught 10. One breathe in, one breathe out. Two breathe in, Two breathe out. Continue until 10. Lather, rinse, repeat. I've been meditating this way for years.

I sat and meditated by the river the other day, and I kept restarting when I got to 8. I finally surrendered. If you want 8, I'll give you 8. I swooned as my head danced. I was quiet. I felt like I was falling through the sky. And everything in the world was very far away and very close at once. I normally get to that point after 15-20 minutes of meditation, but I was there in 5.

God, life is amazing.

Glowing heart.

Already there.

I've had some struggles feeling outside forces shifting my mojo lately. I'm susceptible to other people's whims at times. It's a difficult path for me, protecting my energy. My boundaries vacillate between fierce and weak. I have my happy space. I want to be here. I am shining again. My eyes are twinkling. I'm enthusiastic. I'm playing and giggling. I am back.

I have to remain strong without being defensive.

I am not who others want me to be. I am myself. I need to be myself. Authentically. I need to keep growing in ways that move me. I am a wanderer. I am constantly craving newness. There has to be some reconciliation between the two sides of me. There's one that craves security, and there is one that craves excitement.

Stop. Think. Stay centered. Keep meditating. Keep integrating. Balance. Stability. Expose. Authenticate. Explore. Dance. Keep it light.

Time to meditate. Shake off some of this tension.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 22nd, 2009 10:31 pm)
This heat has seriously kicked my ever-lovin' tail! I've been exhausted the last few days. Joyfully exhausted, though.

Happiness is constant work. You have to have a commitment to joy. You have to work every day at letting go. You let go of the past and the present, and it leaves you in a place of ultimate perfection. Now. Now is the apex of the symphony. Now is the moment it's supposed to be. It's the moment that your whole life has been working toward. You'd think that being Buddhist-ish for 12(!) years would have taught me to do this almost automatically. Nope. One foot off the rock, and I fall right into the river. SPLOOSH! Just like that. But all it takes is just a bit of awareness to come back.

I laugh every day. I don't (just) laugh over jokes and silliness. I literally laugh out loud because I am so happy to be here. I am so happy to be doing this. I'm so happy I'm alive!

I have a base in me of Destiny. I know that I am where I should be and doing what I should do. When I go through heartache of any kind, I always come back to my faith. I don't necessarily believe in a God, per se, but I have 100% faith in the Universe. The Universe is in constant motion to make everything perfect for you. I spent about 8 days really sad. I literally woke up one day. I saw all the lessons I was meant to learn. I saw how I was going to grow from it. I was awake. More awake than I had been in years.

So I giggle. I dance. I sing. I delight in this life. Not in its people and its things. Not even its happenings. I delight because it is full of magic. I delight because it's amazingness, just how it is.

I am going to the Hindu temple again this week. I have some God-dess worshiping I need to get in. I love Hinduism, because I feel like each deity represents a different aspect of the Universe. All of them represent the whole. If I feel weak in one area, I can spend time working on it with a focus.

Kali, Kali, Kali!

I don't know what the next year will bring. I don't know what the next week will bring. I have a gypsy soul. Free spirited. Things are changing fast. The world and myself, alike. Ha. Isn't it wonderful?
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 20th, 2009 05:34 pm)
I am one of 6,706,993,152 Mystics on this planet. I am exaltedly beautiful. I am luck personified. My life is actually one amazing occurrence after another. Even the "bad" things that happen hold gorgeous, passionate pushes toward happiness.

Something happened with all the madness going on in my life for the past 3 weeks. Previously, I had attributed my joy to my situation. I was blissed out because I was in a happy and loving relationship. I was blissed out because I was succeeding. I was blissed out because I was starting to live the life I wanted. Then my empire fell, even if it was temporary. Thank you, Universe. You gave me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time, per usual. I disconnected from that grasp, and reconnected to something far more powerful.

There you are, Ecstatic Joy. You've been waiting for me my whole life. You've been waiting for me before I was born. You were always there. You are a poet. You are a prophet. You are a Mystic.

I let go. I left the notion that I needed it, and it came to me. I laugh. I cry. I dance. I stretch. I breathe.

I sat outside this morning with my very best friend in the world and watched the world wake up. I walked up to a tiny bunny and watched it sleep. I was just a few feet away from him. And the sun was shining. And there was a chipmunk climbing the building. I laughed and sang my familiar, silly mantra. "I'm happy I'm alive! Hoo-hoo hoo-hoo!" It was perfect. Every moment is perfect.

Speaking of mantras, I've burned a CD of Rob's podcast, and I've been listening to them nonstop. With all this Kali energy firing through my blood lately, one particular part resonated in me. The suggestion of the mantra I die daily. What power that is! What power to know that each day is a new one. Not just with the sun rising, but knowing that you are completely new each day. I have always held the belief that my whole psyche is in a never ending process of living, dying and being born again. That has always been part of me, having grown up surrounded by Eastern culture. But the realization of the fact that I must let myself die every day was a calming and joyful illumination.

Every time I laugh, I die. Every time I cum, I die. Every time I take a breath, I die. I let something go. I break old energetical patterns. I create a new me. I clear the way for new paths. There are not words to describe this. I have to go forward in bliss. I have to die to allow the new blisses. I seek security, and the only way to accomplish that is to let the insecurities die and create a space of Happiness. Fiercely. This isn't all innocent, shielded compassion and love with disregard to the balance of yin and yang. It's a shift of perception toward those things. The "bad" is what you make of it. Some things can't be seen as positive, but you can see the purpose beyond the emotional impact.

GAH! It's so beautiful and perfect. You are perfect! Undeniably. And every worry and doubt is like a veil over your eyes. I've been stripping the veils to really SEE the possibility of the world. It's not some crazy New Age thing. It's right in front of everyone.


We are all Mystics.

PS~ In my increasing compassion for life, I have taken to being kind to bugs. I take them off my car and myself and out of my house and transport them to safe places. And I apologize when I accidentally kill one. We are all atoms spinning through the world. They are me and I am them. Just like I am you. And I'm this bed I'm laying on. And the computer. And the plant growing on my windowsill. Hello. Oh, and there is a resurgence of red, spotted ladybugs this year. They are everywhere. They make me happy.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 17th, 2009 11:22 am)
I keep forgetting that there is no such thing as an individual person. Who you are makes no difference. Our memory is the only thing that keeps us bound to that. We are experiences. We are vibrating atoms floating through space. We get drawn to pockets that resonate with us. The more in the pocket, the louder we hum.

I love. I have traveled with love since the day I was created. I have also traveled with fear. I've traveled with joy. I have traveled with peace. We are a great, swirling wave of everything we are.

We are not people. We are receptors. We are carriers. We are dreams manifested.

This is not about me. This is not about you.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 17th, 2009 09:59 am)
Ah, it's materializing. And I'm getting more and more excited. I think I want to get at least one more skirt and a few tops. I also have to travel down to The Alley and get these babies.

I've been trying to focus on superficial things, what to wear and what to bring. I have been purposefully not addressing the emotional sphere of the experience. I can't really do that. I don't want to walk in with preconceived notions of what it will be.

I bought checkerboard tights and arm warmers today. And striped tights. And finally ordered this:
In pink and lime green...


I have to make a doctor's appointment to get my medical sheet filled out for my driver's license renewal. Ugh. I hate the doctor. Big time. Boo. I just hope that I won't have to retake my driving test. I did that not too long ago...

I was thinking of buying a saree for Burning Man. Something colorful. I have to go thrifting soon.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 17th, 2009 12:14 am)
Tonight was a beautiful night. It was filled with honesty and confusion and tears and yelling and hurt and anger and cuddling and kisses and tender-fear and frustration and promises and I love you, I love you, I love you.

I'm terrified of losing my place here. Not that he'll leave, but that I won't be as special to him. This makes me even more scared of N coming to town. Scaryscary.

Everyone in the world is a child under the exterior. We are all frightened children afraid of getting attached and being abandoned.

I'm here.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 14th, 2009 02:24 pm)
I find that I am a phoenix. I always have been. Tragedy moves me to be better. I change with every new trauma. I'm constantly rebirthing into new colors and shapes. It may not be dramatic, but it's movement. I learn more about myself with each passing wind.

This was a big one, though. It was hard for the people around me, yes, but it was life changing for me. It changed the way I perceive. It changed the way I relate. It changed my direction in life. I needed a bump. I needed a swift kick in the ass. I needed it desperately.

A short list of things that were addressed:

The one that really interests me the most right now is the first. Integration. The thought that different aspects of my life need to be held in different places is false. There's a certain amount of tweaking that needs to be done in different situations. Naturally. I mean, I have to be more conservative at work than I am in the rest of my life. We have to play rolls sometimes.

I made a vital mistake in assuming one thing. I assumed that E wanted only one side of me. I shut down all these other beautiful things to nourish that side. As a result, the other sides festered. The other sides became hidden and scary.Those sides started pouring into other avenues. Those sides pushed me away.

Let's face it. There is a side of me that is magic and abstract and in touch with cycles and metaphors and filled with poetry and healing. And there is a side that is simple and careless and light and childish. And a side that is motivated and womanly and powerful and sexual. There are all these thing about me. More than that, even. But I focused on the last two with E, and I left the first part in the dust.

I have to embrace all of it. I can't love fragments of myself. I am all of these things. I am more. I have to learn to integrate them. I can't be afraid to hide myself. I am just now learning how to be everything I am with E. I am getting past the fear of myself with him. He loves all of me.

But I'm back. I'm back to caring for myself. I'm reading poetry like it's water in a desert. I'm doing yoga. I'm looking at myself as whole individual. I find so much joy in love, but I contained it to one side of me. But this is not a story of a love affair with another person. This is a story of a love affair with myself. E taught me how to love. I didn't know how to before him. Love was a honeymoon before. I fell briefly in and out of it like the passion was all that mattered. But love takes planning. Love is a long process with bumps and cuts and bruises. Love is organic. Love changes. Love adapts.

I am rising like a phoenix.
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 12th, 2009 07:56 pm)
So, I was commenting with a friend about yang energy today. You know, that GRRR feeling. That restless RAWR of the wild. So what do you do during those times? Not necessarily to dispel it, but focusing it and letting it resonate in you.

My list:

Stand in front of a mirror and fight with myself. Scheduled, of course.
Grab a particularly competitive friend and have a bike race.
Get naked and paint-y and have wild sex with a canvas.
Find new ways to promote myself.
Sun salutations.
Build a Kali costume and have a party next Monday with the new moon. Maybe some red themed foods. Blood/dying/nourishing/growth.
Gather wood and build a sculpture. Then go after it with an axe.
Paint my face wildly and dance around the room to punk music. RAWR!
Write angsty letters to people... then burn them.

So... what do you do?
beatificdreams: (Default)
( Jun. 12th, 2009 11:32 am)
If anyone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting
will look, lift your face
and say,

Like this.

When someone mentions the gracefulness
of the nightsky, climb up on the roof
and dance and say,

Like this.

If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God’s fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.

Like this.

When someone quotes the old poetic image
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings
of your robe.

Like this.

If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,
don’t try to explain the miracle.
Kiss me on the lips.

Like this. Like this.

When someone asks what it means
to "die for love," point

If someone asks how tall I am, frown
and measure with your fingers the space
between the creases on your forehead.

This tall.

The soul sometimes leaves the body, the returns.
When someone doesn’t believe that,
walk back into my house.

Like this.

When lovers moan,
they’re telling our story.

Like this.

I am a sky where spirits live.
Stare into this deepening blue,
while the breeze says a secret.

Like this.

When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand.

Like this.

How did Joseph’s scent come to Jacob?


How did Jacob’s sight return?


A little wind cleans the eyes.

Like this.

When Shams comes back from Tabriz,
he’ll put just his head around the edge
of the door to surprise us

Like this.

From ‘The Essential Rumi’, Translations
by Coleman Barks with John Moyne
"This is uncharted territory. It's dark, moist, bloody, and lonely. I see no allies, no comfort, no signs out. I feel scraped open and raw. I look for dismembered parts of myself - something recognizable - but there are only fragments and I don't know how to put them together. This is unlike any struggle I've had before. It's not the conquest of the other; it's coming face to face with myself. I walk naked looking for the Mother. Looking to reclaim the parts of myself that have not seen the light of day. They must be here in the darkness. They wait for me to find them because they no longer trust. I have disowned them before. They are my treasures but I have to dig for them. This journey is not about some fairy godmother showing me the way out. I dig... for patience, for courage to endure the dark, for the perseverance not to rise to the light prematurely, cutting short my meeting with the Mother."